AMAZON - TO ALL THE BOYS I'VE LOVED BEFORE (FILM)

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Chapter 1 1 JOSH IS MARGOT’S BOYFRIEND, BUT I guess you could say my whole family is a little in love with him. It’s hard khổng lồ say who most of all. Before he was Margot’s boyfriend, he was just Josh. He was always there. I say always, but I guess that’s not true. He moved next door five years ago but it feels like always. My dad loves Josh because he’s a boy và my dad is surrounded by girls. I mean it: all day long he is surrounded by females. My dad is an ob-gyn, and he also happens to be the father of three daughters, so it’s like girls, girls, girls all day. He also likes Josh because Josh likes comics & he’ll go fishing with him. My dad tried khổng lồ take us fishing once, và I cried when my shoes got mud on them, và Margot cried when her book got wet, & Kitty cried because Kitty was still practically a baby. Kitty loves Josh because he’ll play cards with her and not get bored. Or at least pretend to not get bored. They make deals with each other—if I win this next hand, you have to make me a toasted crunchy-peanut-butter-sandwich, no crusts. That’s Kitty. Inevitably there won’t be crunchy peanut butter & Josh will say too bad, pick something else. But then Kitty will wear him down và he’ll run out & buy some, because that’s Josh. If I had lớn say why Margot loves him, I think maybe I would say it’s because we all do. We are in the living room, Kitty is pasting pictures of dogs lớn a giant piece of cardboard. There’s paper and scraps all around her. Humming to lớn herself, she says, “When Daddy asks me what I want for Christmas, I am just going lớn say, ‘Pick any one of these breeds và we’ll be good.’” Margot & Josh are on the couch; I’m lying on the floor, watching TV. Josh popped a big bowl of popcorn, & I devote myself to it, handfuls và handfuls of it. A commercial comes on for perfume: a girl is running around the streets of Paris in an orchid-colored halter dress that is thin as tissue paper. What I wouldn’t give lớn be that girl in that tissue-paper dress running around Paris in springtime! I sit up so suddenly I choke on a kernel of popcorn. Between coughs I say, “Margot, let’s meet in Paris for my spring break!” I’m already picturing myself twirling with a pistachio macaron in one hand and a raspberry one in the other. Margot’s eyes light up. “Do you think Daddy will let you?” “Sure, it’s culture. He’ll have khổng lồ let me.” But it’s true that I’ve never flown by myself before. & also I’ve never even left the country before. Would Margot meet me at the airport, or would I have to lớn find my own way to lớn the hostel? Josh must see the sudden worry on my face because he says, “Don’t worry. Your dad will definitely let you go if I’m with you.” I brighten. “Yeah! We can stay at hostels và just eat pastries and cheese for all our meals.” “We can go lớn Jim Morrison’s grave!” Josh throws in. “We can go to lớn a parfumerie và get our personal scents done!” I cheer, và Josh snorts. “Um, I’m pretty sure ‘getting our scents done’ at a parfumerie would cost the same as a week’s stay at the hostel,” he says. He nudges Margot. “Your sister suffers from delusions of grandeur.” “She is the fanciest of the three of us,” Margot agrees. “What about me?” Kitty whimpers. “You?” I scoff. “You’re the least fancy tuy nhiên girl. I have lớn beg you to lớn wash your feet at night, much less take a shower.” Kitty’s face gets pinched & red. “I wasn’t talking about that, you dodo bird. I was talking about Paris.” Airily, I wave her off. “You’re too little to lớn stay at a hostel.” She crawls over to lớn Margot & climbs in her lap, even though she’s nine and nine is too big khổng lồ sit in people’s laps. “Margot, you’ll let me go, won’t you?” “Maybe it could be a family vacation,” Margot says, kissing her cheek. “You và Lara Jean & Daddy could all come.” I frown. That’s not at all the Paris trip I was imagining. Over Kitty’s head Josh mouths lớn me, We’ll talk later, and I give him a discreet thumbs-up. It’s later that night; Josh is long gone. Kitty & our dad are asleep. We are in the kitchen. Margot is at the table on her computer; I am sitting next to lớn her, rolling cookie dough into balls và dropping them in cinnamon và sugar. Snickerdoodles lớn get back in Kitty’s good graces. Earlier, when I went in to lớn say good night, Kitty rolled over và wouldn’t speak to me because she’s still convinced I’m going lớn try lớn cut her out of the Paris trip. My plan is khổng lồ put the snickerdoodles on a plate right next khổng lồ her pillow so she wakes up to the smell of fresh-baked cookies. Margot’s being extra quiet, & then, out of nowhere, she looks up from her computer and says, “I broke up with Josh tonight. After dinner.” My cookie-dough ball falls out of my fingers and into the sugar bowl. “I mean, it was time,” she says. Her eyes aren’t red-rimmed; she hasn’t been crying, I don’t think. Her voice is calm và even. Anyone looking at her would think she was fine. Because Margot is always fine, even when she’s not. “I don’t see why you had to lớn break up,” I say. “Just ’cause you’re going lớn college doesn’t mean you have khổng lồ break up.” “Lara Jean, I’m going khổng lồ Scotland, not UVA. Saint Andrews is nearly four thousand miles away.” She pushes up her glasses. “What would be the point?” I can’t even believe she would say that. “The point is, it’s Josh. Josh who loves you more than any boy has ever loved a girl!” Margot rolls her eyes at this. She thinks I’m being dramatic, but I’m not. It’s true—that’s how much Josh loves Margot. He would never so much as look at another girl. Suddenly she says, “Do you know what Mommy told me once?” “What?” For a moment I forget all about Josh. Because no matter what I am doing in life, if Margot and I are in the middle of an argument, if I am about to lớn get hit by a car, I will always stop & listen to lớn a story about Mommy. Any detail, any remembrance that Margot has, I want lớn have it too. I’m better off than Kitty, though. Kitty doesn’t have one memory of Mommy that we haven’t given her. We’ve told her so many stories so many times that they’re hers now. “Remember that time...,” she’ll say. & then she’ll tell the story like she was there và not just a little baby. “She told me to lớn try not khổng lồ go khổng lồ college with a boyfriend. She said she didn’t want me to be the girl crying on the phone with her boyfriend and saying no to things instead of yes.” Scotland is Margot’s yes, I guess. Absently, I scoop up a mound of cookie dough và pop it in my mouth. “You shouldn’t eat raw cookie dough,” Margot says. I ignore her. “Josh would never hold you back from anything. He’s not lượt thích that. Remember how when you decided lớn run for student-body president, he was your chiến dịch manager? He’s your biggest fan!” At this, the corners of Margot’s mouth turn down, & I get up & fling my arms around her neck. She leans her head back và smiles up at me. “I’m okay,” she says, but she isn’t, I know she isn’t. “It’s not too late, you know. You can go over there right now and tell him you changed your mind.” Margot shakes her head. “It’s done, Lara Jean.” I release her and she closes her laptop. “When will the first batch be ready? I’m hungry.” I look at the magnetic egg timer on the fridge. “Four more minutes.” I sit back down and say, “I don’t care what you say, Margot. You guys aren’t done. You love him too much.” She shakes her head. “Lara Jean,” she begins, in her patient Margot voice, lượt thích I am a child and she is a wise old woman of forty-two. I wave a spoonful of cookie dough under Margot’s nose, & she hesitates & then opens her mouth. I feed it khổng lồ her lượt thích a baby. “Wait và see, you & Josh will be back together in a day, maybe two.” But even as I’m saying it, I know it’s not true. Margot’s not the kind of girl khổng lồ break up and get back together on a whim; once she’s decided something, that’s it. There’s no waffling, no regrets. It’s lượt thích she said: when she’s done, she’s just done. I wish (and this is a thought I’ve had many, many times, too many times to count) I was more like Margot. Because sometimes it feels lượt thích I’ll never be done. Later, after I’ve washed the dishes và plated the cookies and set them on Kitty’s pillow, I go lớn my room. I don’t turn the light on. I go khổng lồ my window. Josh’s light is still on.